Beautiful mess

“She is sunny one minute then she’s pouring down rain.”
She stood in front of her mirror,scars were what all she saw on her face,face which once use to be the most prettiest face. Not only her face had scars but her life also had scars,scars and blotch which could not be vanished. The marks were depiction of the sufferings she was going through.She was kalon. She looked back on her life and realized that everything that had happened only made weaker. She didn’t have the strength,stregth to stand up for herself,strength to fight back. She was all weak and staggered. People think she was happy but she was broken. I wonder who did this to her? A girl who use to laugh all day long. Chattering like giving diamonds. Flushing crimson and scarlet. She was a wench,but then you know all your smiling portion of life are small and nameless and you miss them when they can’t be reproduced and until become a scrap of paper.
She was all chuffed with her life,yes her life was also not perfect and she also didn’t want perfection, for her the concept of perfection was ugly. Somewhere in things human make, she wanted to see scars,failure,disorder,distortion. She believed that people are just as wonderful as sunsets if you let them be. When she look at a sunset she don’t find herself saying, ” Soften the orange bit on the right hand corner.” She don’t try to control a sunset. She watched with awe as it unfolds. She felt same for the people around, you don’t need to control anyone you just need have faith in them. It was one of her theories that when people give you advice,they’re really just talking to themselves in the past. But then she didn’t took the advice she was given. She was delightfully chaotic;a beautiful mess. Loving her was a splendid adventure.
The concept of love was something new to her. Sometimes she think of the sun and moon as lovers who rarely meet,always chase,and almost always miss one another. But one in a while,they do catch up,and they kiss,and the world stares in awe of their eclipse. She considered that while people fall in love with the beauty of the faces and perfection of smiles,she waits for the one who will fall in love with her scars. She wanted somebody with sharp intellect and a heart from hell. Somebody with eyes like star fire. And a mouth with a kiss like bottomless well. But mostly she just wanted someone who will love her when she do not know how to love herself.
But the fates have different plans. Yes,soon she found out her princess charming and as soon as she saw him she knew a grand adventure was about to happen but she didn’t knew that this rollercoaster will lead her to her own destruction. She was warned about people like him. The ones with a beautiful mind and soft eyes. She was told to keep away because these people are addicting and capable of destroying more than any drug could. She was told to keep away because one wrong move could be vital but then she have always been one to take risks. He was a person with warm heart and pure soul but sometimes you have to understand the difference between right and wrong. He was a quite and secretive person. Into himself. She wanted all of him,even the parts he refuse to give anyone,especially those part. She had a false belief that her love would change him,her love would be enough for the two. Right now, she was a mixture of very happy and very sad. And she was trying to figure it all out,all these feelings and emotions and words and thoughts,and what they all mean. Everything she feel was contradiction of itself and she do not understand any of it. She just wanted to live the present moment,happy with him,she realised that she is in love when she can’t fall asleep because reality was finally better than her dreams but she didn’t know that this happiness would not last forever.
Soon the happy moments ended and fate changed its path. You know your soulmate is not someone that comes into your life peacefully. It’s someone who comes to make you question things,who change your reality,somebody that marks a before and after in your life. It was not the human being everyone has idealized,but an ordinary person,who manage to revolutionize your world in a second. And so he also changed the reality of her. Drifted her apart from her reality,herself and her happiness. She left everyone for him but then he was not what all he showed he was cold,cold enough to break thing down. He gave her a boner,not a boner in her heart,heart on an affection but a penis boner. She was all shattered and broken and suddenly she became more hollow than the bottles he emptied. She didn’t know what she was afraid of:to see him again or to never see him again.
He was her North,her South,her East and West,her working week and sunday rest,her noon,her midnight,her talk,her song. She thought that love would last forever:she was wrong. We lose ourselves in the things we love,we find ourselves there and she lost herself completely into him. If you want to look at her go to him. The truth about romance is this only:we are all novels;our pages stained with the fingerprints of either our lover or loneliness. And she was marked with both,the bitter pain of her life.
Now she became an eccedentesiast. The world around her become black and white but still she miss the colour of his eyes the most. She have been told that if you repeat a word over and over it loses it’s meaning. She have stayed up countless nights repeating his name hoping that he will mean less to her with each breathe. But than also she can’t erase the memories:the scars she carried along her. The world was growing harsh on her but she didn’t pay much attention to the world. It had ended for her many times. She was in dire need of peace,peace of her soul and mind. But there are some thoughts you can’t avoid and some feelings you can’t deny. Someone she loved gave her a box full of darkness. The courage it took to get of beds each morning to face the same things over and over was enormous. Some mornings still feel like the night before; she was still waiting for the day she don’t miss him anymore. She still have faith that they could have been happy she know that, and perhaps the hardest thing to know. She believed that maybe it’s not about the happy ending maybe it’s about the lesson that life taught us. Nobody stood for her,she was all alone. She never knew how strong she was until being strong was only choice she had.
She was beautiful dreamer. The kind of girl,who kept her head in the clouds, loved above the stars and left regret beneath the earth she walked on. But now she was afraid of dreaming and became a living dead soul.
“The universe is always speaking to us…. Sending us little messages causing coincidence and serendipities,reminding as to stop,to look around,to believe in something else, something more. You don’t always need a plan,sometimes you just need to breathe,trust,let go and see what happens.”
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