The Evocating Soul

It’s about 3 o’clock,still dawn. He is sitting on his desk,scribbling something.
Suddenly his phone was ringing it’s obviously Amy, who’d call him, special at this time.
‘What are you doing? You are still awake, I can’t believe it? Why don’t you just try to sleep. Have you every looked at yourself in mirror,your eyes are swollen and you have those big dark circles. You have become a insomniac. From past two months you haven’t slept properly. I know it’s really tough but you have to overcome this. I can’t let you do this to yourself. You remain glum. And I know you are definately upto something,something really scary and that’s why I am also not able to sleep either and I know it’s something with you only. Now will you please do the honor of telling what the hell has happened ?
‘Amy calm down. Everything is absolutely OK. You don’t need to worry. I am absolutely fine. And now you don’t need to worry for me. I am gonna change everything. I will start everythings from beginning. And now I am finally heading towards peace. Peace of my mind,peace of my soul. Now don’t fret about me and go to sleep. I am also going for a prolonged sleep.’
‘Are you sure ?’
‘Yes baby. I am.
Before Amy could say any thing he immediately cut the line. He can’t wait more rather he can’t talk more.
It was the last time when Amy heard his voice.
Amy know that he was not accustomed. Inside her heart she could feel it. She could sense that something terrible was about to happen. She can’t wait anymore. She picked up the keys of her car and rushed for his house.
She was late,she was too late. She could have saved him. It was all over. He was dead. Cause of death poisoning leading to suffocation. Yes, poisoning and suffocation were the cause of his death but not in his body but in his mind. The pressure and burden he was carry on his head nobody had clue of.
Amy was standing in his room trying to regain what all had happened. She could feel the grief and torment in her chest. Trying to take it all in,the last essence of him. She abruptly remembers that he must have left a letter for her. She found the letter on his desk. The letter said:
Sometimes we have to suffer in life not because we are bad,because we do not know where to stop being good. And it’s the same that is happening with me. I know I am a big looser. A freak, a coward,a milksop and what not. I don’t have the freaking guts to live life. The jeers and catcalls that people make. I cannot laugh at the things that hurt me just to keep myself in balance,just to keep the world from running me plumb crazy. And what about my mother, my innocent maa. I cannot take the insult of my mother. She is suffering because of me. Yes, I couldn’t make it, I could not clear my IIT nor the medical entrance. I was halfwit who thought that he can support his mother. I am vacuous who just know how to increase the burden on her.  My mother who made me who am I today. She, after the tragic demise of father,it was not tragic but an assassination, worked day and night so that one day she could see his son becoming an engineer but what all I did for her was nothing rather created more difficulties. She suffered her whole life,firstly by the muderers of my father, who tortured my mother in every aspect. The infliction of pain my mother went through nobody have clue of,not even me, who had seen it,can’t even imagine it. And when my mother after so much of maltreatment some how safegeauded me and my sister what she had was zero rupee and two hunger children she did all the odd jobs from working as maid to working late night at call centre just to give us everything. She herself use to sleep hunger cause we cannot afford that much but never said a word. She always dreamed of one thing, his son becoming an engineer. Now when it was my time to give her the due happiness and respect she deserves what all I did was made things more worst and ignominious for her. With this also she said it doesn’t matter and I can try next time but next year would be too late and we canot afford another fees. And now nights passes by just sitting and thinking. My thoughts are destroying me. I tried not to think but silence was a killer too. I lay in the bed for hours, in the dark,at night thinking about everything I fucked up in my life. It kills me when I see my mother getting hurt so much that she is so used to it and it doesn’t bother her anymore now.
This is not the end, when I seek for help and support from other what all I got was incomprehension. May be I am just to complicated for anyone to love. What a fool I was to believe that my teenage years would be full of fun and laughter,when they were really full of tears with blood running after. But nobody noticed,nobody ever seems to notice. But then their was Amy. In the end one thing I wanted say thank you, Amy thank you so much for being there by my side,through every thick and thin of life . You are not just a best friend but you are philospher,a guide,a helper,my support system,my sister,my soulmate,my lover,my wellwisher,one who never left me alone even after knowing every dark secret of my life,after seeing the dark side of me when the whole world turned their faces you where there to hold my hand. You have seen every phase of my life from my anger to my emotions. From that strong,brave side to that soft and weak one. A friend who understand my tears is much more valuable than alot of friends who only knew my laughter and you are that friend,those late night phone call where I use to cry and you use to build me up.  Even when I am writing this you are the one who called up,one who came to knew something was wrong with me and you are the last person  I talked to and I know for you I am never gonna die cause I am always gonna live inside your heart my baby.
I didn’t pray for an easy life, I prayed for the strength to endure a difficult one. And now there comes a day when you’ll have to accept that somethings don’t work out,no matter how hard you try and it’s never gonna work out for me as well. So I am getting myself rid of this pain. I am dying from suicide not because I want end my life,but because I want to end this pain.
With tears in her eyes Amy closed the letter put it in her bag. It’s his last memory,his last thing and she just can’t afford to loose it.
It’s his funerals,everyone is prayering and hoping that his haunting soul may rest in peace and are chanting good fortune for his soul but if they
would have done this before he killed himself,a soul would be safed from this crucial world which judge people without knowing them. A world were no one really cares until something drastic happens. If you tell the truth,you don’t have to remember anything because the world simple won’t let you live.
A mother would get back her son,her pride,her support,her last hope, her life. She just like a living dead soul who died year ago. She might be breathing but the purpose of her life vanished with his son only.
And for Amy it was very hard to accept that her only best friend wasn’t meant to stay forever. She needed him,because he use to make her laugh more than anyone else and she was the in her bestest mode when she used to be with him and now when he is gone nothing feels right. Another month,another year,another smile,another tear,another winter, and another summer. But there can never be another him. She was left alone with only his letter which killed her everytime she read it again. Yes,he is gonna live forever for Amy,inside her heart, in corner their is place that belongs to him and nobody can take that place ever.
The meaning of life is just to be alive. It is so plain, and so obvious and so simple. And yet,everybody rushes around in a great panic as if it were necessary to achieve something beyond themselves. Can’t it be just peaceful and calm ?



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